ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
