weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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