He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
