you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
