I'm passing your future prison.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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