i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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