Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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