I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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