Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
