too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh god it's open bar.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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