Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
