I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
