cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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