Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
