she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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