We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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