i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
