So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
