i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
