I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize