I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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