screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
