and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
