I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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