Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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