I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
