i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
