I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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