No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
