He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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