He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
