your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
