I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
