i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
