All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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