I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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