I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
