She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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