I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Even my vagina gasped.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize