Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
