my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
