Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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