I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
