Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
