My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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