my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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