I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i think i have two assholes
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
