u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I can text with my tongue
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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