You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
