I'm eating all of the evidence.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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