I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
