His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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