I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
