my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
