new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
