I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize