I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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