Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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