Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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