I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
