at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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