eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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