I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Alive.
So much puke
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
